Yesterday just seemed to be the day. I wrote that email to my ex that I had been thinking maybe I should send. You know that email. The one where you say all the stuff you miss about him, all the stuff you are still mad about, all the things that remind you of him (he is also from South America although, mercifully, not from Ecuador.) And then I hit send.
And I immediately regretted it. Silence had seemed so safe and so comfortable. The thing is that silence is a lot of freaking work. You have to steel yourself to stay angry, stew to sustain your righteous indignation, and hold yourself apart to remove yourself from their sphere. And I guess yesterday it just seemed like it didn´t vale la pena.
And when I sent it, I remembered the pain, the anxiety, and the thrill of those months. It´s funny how you miss that pain of being in love with someone, and when you open the door to that person who made you so sad, the pain feels good, the way it feels good to worry an infected hangnail. It´s good to remember someone can make you feel that way. Instead of the vicarious, muted feeling of watching friends in love, when you yourself are solita.
UPDATED: One other thing I should add is that I received a kind and thoughtful response from the young man in question. It was definitely the right thing. I have to give credit where credit is due.
4 comments:
dude, i feel this post. send is a dangerous option. exhiliration and regret in one fell *click*.
I wrote The Letter at xmas time. And I had it in my hand and I told my friend about it (long time friend) and he said, "so, huh, would you be sending that if you were in a relationship you were happy with right now?" And the letter went into the memorabilia box instead of the post. I.e. it was more about me than him, in fact I didn't even need him in the equation. That said, when I sent the happy birthday email last year and got a perfectly civil reply, I felt a little cheated. :-)
Miss you!
I'm glad everything worked out in the end...
That´s a good point about would I send the letter if I were in a great relationship. I´ll give myself the benefit of the doubt and say that yes I might have sent this one regardless. But you never know, do you?
Miss you too, L.
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