It's the most wonderful time of the year

Along with the clouds and cold, the Christmas sadness came to town yesterday. I fear its here to stay for the duration. Even when I'm eager and excited about some festivity, it's always waiting to flood back into the empty spaces that open up, like the cold air when you open window of a warm room. I have a memory of two years ago, of me trucking to the subway with a big piece of luggage and a bag full of presents on my way to the airport. I remember the afternoon, but don't remember exactly how I felt, except that I got into an argument with a man on the bus about a seat. My boyfriend at the time was with me, and later in the year he recalled the afternoon to me, commenting unfavorably on my posture and my demeanor under the press of the holiday. He really couldn't understand what beat me down so. What can I do, though, if a general sense of angst and sadness sweeps down along with all of the holiday madness?

I know of course that I have less than nothing to be sad about. But there it is. It's sad all the same, and it manifests itself in little thoughts such as: What am I going to do about my future career plans? If I am so eager to leave my job, why haven't I figured out the next step? Why am I not in a relationship? Why is my default condition so solitary? Not an original set of complaints, I admit. And I don't think really that its about complaints, or anything in particular that is wrong about my life. I think its the setting and the visual and olfactory reminders. Christmas lights twinkle and cue sadness, and then my intellect casts around for the reasons for how I feel.