I let a long time go by without writing. Time has been passing in a funny way. On one hand I am busy, starting to see the end of my time here, happy about it, concerned to make sure all the money gets spent, all the workshops get planned, all the things I said I might do at one time or anonother get done, or at least there is the possibility of someone else to step in and do them. On the other hand, I have to stop and appreciate the fact that my life is relatively calm, certainly in comparison to the life I had in New York. And I have to really acknowledge the fact everyday that my circle of friends is much more fully knit and populated by extraordinarily affectionate people than anywhere else I have lived. I mean, my friends in New York are wonderful, but in New York, everyone else is so wrapped up in their own life, and you just see people with so much less frecuency that you function much more independently and alone there. I was explaining to someone who loves Friends that really that kind of community, where everyone just finds each other in the coffee shop and the apartment, doesn´t really exist in New York. Here it kind of does. In contrast to how I what I might have said in moments in the past, lately I have really felt like my life, my story here has become part of the story of several other people. And taking yourself home to cry or nurse your wounds without anyone noticing is a lost cause, because nothing is really all that private here. I get my feelings hurt by one person, I get set up with someone who shows no sign of biting (as in no interest) but before I can really allow myself to get too bothered by it I have my friend Esteban in my kitchen waxing philosophical on how to meet every day with excitement, instead of with the dreadful panic that I will be alone forever only because that is how it seems in this moment.
So what to do with this revelation? The idea that I found a community here that make me feel, not always, but from time to time, simply happy. Simply happy to find myself here among that people I have come to know.
Try to replicate this in the next place I go?
Not move back to New York?
Stay longer?
Move on to something else that might not be so far away?
In moments of frustration, some of my well-being of late has been predicated on the fact that I have begun to Make Plans, to think about the Next Thing. To Submit Resumes. And that the beginning of leave taking is what is provoking all this nostalgia.
Dunno. I have to think about it more.
4 comments:
As a returned volunteer who reads your blog from time to time I can say that I can relate. Everyone says that coming home is harder than adjusting to life in Peace Corps, but I think it's just different. I got used to the close knit community of volunteers and of friends in my site, and life in a big american city just didn't make sense after that. I kept thinking I'd be able to create what I had in Ecuador in Chicago, but it really wasn't possible. Anyway, just had to comment. I wish I'd had a chance to live in Cuenca while in Ecuador. I spent considerable time there, but it was gringo time, and so I never got to know any Cuencanos beyond Dona Cecilia and family.
Thanks Hannah, That´s helpful to hear other folks, and to remember that a lot of what I am talking abour here relates more to a particular moment in time than life necessarily in Cuenca. I mean its beautiful and the pace of things is much more civilized, but for all the stuff I love there is so much other stuff that drives me crazy. The provincialness of things (even though its a big city and all) the way everything is organized around family and how exhausting that is for an outsider. I guess I am saying that my affection for folks here is all wrapped up in the possibility of leaving.
Thanks very much for reading. Where was your site?
I was outside of Saraguro. My love of the place and the people has grown since I left (although I loved it while I was there...and hated it)...it's very unique, really, but I think that any site would have made me feel like that. There's a lot I DON'T miss, like my house and my bathroom, and not having a lot of work to do.
I guess I would say that my affection for it was wrapped up in leaving as well, and I was afraid that was all it was. However, i went back to visit over new years, and that was not born out. Saraguro and Ecuador has a big chunk of my heart, and the relationships I made there are strong still.
I have been wondering for a while if the "way NY is" is really the way it is or just the way I've been living it. That is to say, it seems possible to have a community here too, only one becomes seduced by the possibility of finding more like-minded people further afield than in one central location that would breed a more community experience. If I were to consciously put my efforts into living somewhere that I felt some investment in, then building relationships there through volunteering, eating and drinking at regular spots, shopping at the same places, etc. I think it would be possible to have the same feeling here. And if one plans to stick around here for a long time, I think this approach becomes essential- the experience everything lure is strong but it is more of a vacation mindset.
Anyhow, miss you and hope to talk soon...
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